April is a month that makes me think
of death and taxes. April 15 came with alarming speed, and for the first time in
a decade, I filed a joint return. Of course, we used a handy-dandy program to
plug in the numbers. But what can I say, other than taxes are a little bit
complicated. Bottom line turned up a shocking sum that I owed in taxes. Even
paying what I thought was an unreasonable amount of quarterly estimated taxes
throughout 2014, I wound up in debt to the IRS and to the state of Missouri.
Now, to prepare for the current
year. Last year’s estimated taxes were only about a third of this year’s
amount. Ouch! For all my complaints about taxes, I feel fortunate that I have a
great retirement plan.
What is it they say about death and
taxes? April is also the month that hurts my heart. Jim left this world April
18, ten years ago. A decade. It doesn’t seem possible that it could be that
long ago when I remember that day so plainly. Funny, how the more you want
to forget something, the less likely you are to do it.
The only positive thing I can say
about Jim’s death is that it gave me back the man I knew before dementia.
During the years struggling in the grip of the disease, it came to a point
where the person he was faded, and he became a different person. In order to
make it through that tough time, I refused to compare who he was to who
he had been. It was easier to accept the unacceptable changes and love him “as
is.”
After Jim’s death, I eventually was
able to embrace the man he was before the disease. I could smile at old photos
and memories before the dark days of dementia. I could remember our Colorado
vacations, our trips to Oregon, and our big adventure of building our own home.
So many good memories outweigh the sad times.
Life is a balance: good and bad,
smiles and tears, joy and pain. You can’t fully appreciate one without the
other. If you were never sad, you wouldn’t appreciate being happy. Part of the
wonder of life is that we don’t know what is going to happen the next day. Life
can change in a heartbeat. Our world can turn upside down and it may take
years, or decades, for it to righten again.
Ben Franklin said that death and
taxes were the only two certain things in life. As for taxes, I guess, it means
we do have income, and we can be thankful for that. It’s hard to find much good
to say about death, unless we can say we lived fully until that time. Jim lived
fully until dementia made that impossible.
On April 18, I want to remember Jim’s
life and not his death. I want to remember his laugh, his corny jokes, and most
of all, his loving heart.
Copyright © April 2015 by L.S.
Fisher
http://earlyonset.blogspot
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