Resentment is an emotion you may not want to admit you have. You usually try to keep it at bay and not
let it define the kind of person you are. Yet, for Alzheimer’s
caregivers, it is hard not to feel resentment from time-to-time.
Resentment comes in many forms. You may
resent other family members if you don’t think they are pulling
their weight. Or, you may resent a family member who seems to take
over and not listen to your ideas or opinions. In turn, if you are
not the caregiver, she may resent you for not supporting her, or
second guessing her, when she is making tough decisions.
At times, you may find that you even
resent your loved one for not cooperating when you are trying to
help. I know that when I tried to take Jim to daycare, he would balk
and refuse to go most of the time. I wanted him to go to daycare so
that I could keep him at home longer rather than make the nursing
home decision. He didn’t understand that—he just knew he wanted
to stay at home.
Resentment can build because life just
seems to be out of control. All your well-laid plans go awry, and
there isn’t a darn thing you can do to make life normal again. In
the case of early onset, you may have been looking forward to
retirement just to see your retirement dreams vanish. Instead of
travel and relaxation, you are a full-time caregiver taking on an
overwhelming job.
One thing is for sure—if you are
consumed with resentment, you need to find a way to overcome this
self-destructive emotion before it turns into anger. Have you ever
thought that when you are resentful, it is such an internal emotion
that you are often the only person affected?
Okay, now that you’ve identified an
emotion you want no part of, what can you do? Think about the things
that make you resentful, and seek a solution for each one. If you are
feeling that you are doing much more than your share, ask for help.
Often family members don’t even realize that you need help. You may
seem so confident and capable, that they feel inadequate to try taking your place even for a short time.
If you’re resentful of your loved
one’s behavior, just remember that the disease causes the behavior
and your loved one is not just being willful. I always knew that
Jim’s behavior was something he couldn’t help. Don’t get me
wrong, he was always stubborn, but not unreasonable. No one can
overcome the effects of damaged brain cells. My mom always said, “If
a person has a broken leg, no one expects them to walk on that leg.”
Her point was that Alzheimer’s was much more of a physical problem
than a broken leg, and no one could expect Jim to think the same with
a diseased brain as he did with a healthy one.
I coped with the resentment of having
no control over the progression of the disease by focusing on what I
could do. I could see that Jim had all the tests to determine he did
not have an irreversible condition, and that he had the best
treatment options available. Then, I volunteered for the Alzheimer’s
Association because it provided a positive experience for me. It
helped me to know that I could help raise funds for the
Alzheimer’s Association support and services to benefit other
caregivers. I became an advocate so I could educate legislators on
both the state and national level on the urgency of funding effective
treatments for Alzheimer’s, or better yet, a cure.
Resentment may be a feeling you want
to hide, but it is a normal, human emotion. Just like all
negative emotions, it can damage your physical and emotional health,
or you can use it to make yourself stronger. Coping with resentment,
can make you more assertive, in a good way, which can help you be a
better caregiver, which in turn, helps your loved one’s quality of
life.
Copyright (c) May 2013
2 comments:
This promises to be an interesting series, Linda.
So much good has come from my husband's Alzheimer's that I do not concentrate on resentment of others.
Like you I have found avenues. For example, we have a volunteer caregiver--a Christian neighbor with his own story. Also, for seven years I have been taking seminary counseling classes and many of the papers have been on Alzheimer's and now the dissertation will be on Alzheimer's.
I cannot doubt the hand of God who works all things according to His providence and Who gives the daily assurance that He is there for our journey. One can shake a fist at God, or one can reach up and take His loving hand.
Thanks, Carol for sharing your experiences. Recently, I found a brief article and realized the Caregiver emotions had been around for several years. I worked up a presentation, and thought it would make an interesting series.
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