The Twelve Pounds of Christmas

After eating my way through the holidays, I think the popular Christmas song is misnamed and should be changed to the “Twelve Pounds of Christmas.” I always did find that song annoying and after “five golden rings” I was ready for it to end. If you think of it as food, five should be enough. Five holiday meals should be enough—let me count—yes, that’s how many I had.

Whew, sure glad I didn’t have six. If I gained two pounds at each meal and had six, I couldn’t stay within the twelve pounds and have any cookies, peanut clusters, caramel popcorn, fudge, fruitcake, solid milk chocolate bar, or any other holiday goodies to die for. With the damage to my cholesterol and triglycerides, “to die for” might not be a good expression to use.

I was going to go to the gym yesterday to minimize the damage, but they were among the businesses that closed the day after Christmas. If I reversed my habits and went to the gym three times a day and ate three times a week I would drop the twelve pounds of Christmas in a hurry.

I can’t even use the weather as an excuse to curl up on the couch and watch the snow fall. After a few days of bone chilling weather and frozen water pipes, we warmed up to 63 degrees. Yesterday my weather alert warned of flash floods, this morning the shrill alert was a TORNADO WARNING. A huge storm moved through the adjoining county to the southwest of us…not a good place to be when they normally move northeast.

Usually at least during a storm I run up and down the stairs with the question running through my mind—to the basement? Up the stairs? This is not the exercise I had in mind for two days after Christmas—the Stairmaster of Tornado Alley. That sounds like a combination of exercise and a video game.

Do I take my decorations down, or let them go to Oz? I wonder if a Christmas tree has ever had lightning come in on it. I’m enjoying my tree, but I hear the rumble of thunder through the sound of the pouring down rain. Christmas has come and gone, but as long as I leave up the tree and decorations, it looks like Christmas in my house. I may need to shut the blinds because it looks like a spring thunderstorm outside.

The good news is most of the food is gone. Well, I do have a cheese ball in the fridge. It should be good for a couple of pounds. Twelve pounds should not be insurmountable. I would need to lose a pound a month. I probably lost 100 pounds in 2008. Let me explain before you call Jenny Craig and give them my name for a new spokesperson. I lost the same five pounds over and over. I think my scales are stuck in a five pound section.

Jim used to think my agony over five or ten pounds was silly. He said I was the weight I was supposed to be and I was battling nature by trying to lose weight. “Everyone is different,” he said. “The difference between eating what you want and what your diet allows is about five pounds. Is it worth it?”

My doctor thinks it is, but I’m not really sold. Five pounds? Bah Humbug! Twelve pounds…break out the Melba toast.