Missouri Woman with Alzheimer's Still Missing!

Hellen Cook who has Alzheimer's has been missing since July 13 from her Warsaw, Missouri, home. She is 72 years old, weighs 97 pounds, has brown hair and hazel eyes. She is 4'10" tall.

Some of her personal items were found near a large pond, but divers and search dogs have not found Hellen. Dogs lost her scent at the highway so it is possible that someone gave her a ride.  Her family is frantic to find her. Please, if you see her, call 911. Pass her picture on to all your Facebook friends in other states.

Keep looking and keep posting until Hellen is home. Remember her and her family in your prayers.

Search for Missing Missouri Woman with Alzheimer’s

Hellen Cook, Vulnerable Adult Missing

It’s every Alzheimer’s caregiver’s nightmare—a loved one has gone missing and can’t be found. On July 13, Hellen Cook tended to yard work while her husband mowed at their home in Warsaw, Missouri. Her husband left for fifteen or twenty minutes to return his mower to the barn, and when he returned, Hellen no longer sat on the porch swing. She had vanished.

Yes, I know that heart-stopping moment firsthand. While we were still seeking a diagnosis for Jim, he accompanied me, and several members of our Board of Directors on a business trip to Las Vegas. Everything was going fine until we were at the airport headed home. While I went to get our boarding passes, Jim had to go to the restroom. It was within sight of where I was standing. I finished and then became concerned about why he hadn’t returned.

One of the directors went into the restroom to check on him, and discovered that he wasn’t there. “We’ll find him,” Francis said, probably with much more confidence than he felt. The directors fanned out and within ten minutes had found Jim.

“He was pretty easy to spot,” Don Joe said with a laugh. And he was, wearing a bright red Kansas City T-shirt and a cowboy hat.

That was only the first of many searches. I was by myself when I lost him at the mall. Security helped me find him. Once again, he had gone to the bathroom but went the wrong direction when he came out. I lost him at Silver Dollar City—twice—and one of those times he had our grandson with him. I learned the hard way that the bathroom had two exits.

All it took was for me to be distracted for a few minutes and he would be gone. I was folding clothes one time and my sister-in-law called to say Jim was walking down the road in front of their house. One time a neighbor found him several miles from home and close to the highway.

Of all the times he went missing, the scariest one was the night I woke up to discover he wasn't in bed. After I searched the house and realized he was gone, I was frantic. Thankfully, he always stayed on the road and walked the same direction, so I did know where to start looking. I got in the car and found him within a few miles of home. He was fully dressed, complete with dark sunglasses, cowboy hat, and using his cane.

Even the best caregivers can lose track of someone with Alzheimer’s. Sixty percent of people with Alzheimer’s wander. The Alzheimer’s Association has two programs to help with the search efforts. One is MedicAlert + Safe Return. Jim was registered with Safe Return. Although it doesn’t keep them from wandering it does help activate the search immediately. The ID jewelry will alert others that the person is memory impaired and all they have to do is call the toll free number.

A new program, Comfort Zone, uses technology to remotely monitor a person with Alzheimer’s. If they leave the pre-set safety zone, family members can be alerted via email, text message, mobile phone, or the internet. I’m excited about this new program and could see how it would be more reliable than counting on neighbors to notice that a person with dementia seems to be lost.

If your loved one is lost, don’t search for more than fifteen minutes without calling for help. When you dial 911, tell them a vulnerable adult is missing. Beginning a timely search is crucial to finding your loved one. The Alzheimer’s Association shares the statistic that ninety-four percent of people who wander are found within a mile and a half of where they disappeared. The more people who search immediately, the better chance you have of finding your loved one.

Hundreds have joined the search for Hellen Cook, who went missing two weeks ago. Dogs were used early on but they lost her scent at the highway. That led everyone to believe that she had been picked up by someone in a car. Family, friends, and other volunteers, including the Alzheimer’s Association local chapter, conducted a ground search. In a wooded area near a pond they found boots, a scarf, and a hat believed to belong to Hellen. 

The search continues for Hellen and her loved ones are more fearful each day. Please be on the lookout for Hellen, and remember her and her family in your prayers.

Copyright (c) July 2013 by L.S. Fisher

Www.earlyonset.blogspot.com

Sources:

http://www.examiner.net/news/x624134505/Focus-turns-to-pond-in-search-for-missing-woman

http://www.alz.org/care/alzheimers-dementia-wandering.asp

Caregiver Emotion #7 – Grief

A primary caregiver has a tremendous emotional stake in meeting his or her responsibilities to his loved one. Although taking care of the physical needs of someone who has Alzheimer’s is challenging, a survey of caregivers revealed that their biggest challenge was grief.

When you are a caregiver, your grief is anticipatory. Once you’ve heard the diagnosis and accepted the inevitable outcome, you can’t help but grieve about the future. The future looks bleak, and you may want to grab time and make it stand still.

My first reaction after hearing the Alzheimer’s diagnosis was, “There is medicine for that, isn’t there?” I had paid scant attention to Alzheimer’s, but had heard that treatments had been developed. It was a real wake up call to find out the treatment for Alzheimer’s only helps with symptoms and does not slow down, much less stop, the disease.

Grief for a caregiver is also ambiguous, without a defined beginning or end. You may not begin to grieve until you’ve completed tests to rule out treatable conditions. Since Alzheimer’s is often diagnosed by ruling out other possibilities, you may go through a time when you think that what your loved one has will get better with time. Some of the theories we heard: depression, low blood sugar, vitamin B deficiency, stroke. It’s pretty bad when you latch onto the possibility of a stroke. Yes, strokes are bad, but there is hope that you can recover from a stroke.

After all the tests, and treatments for other possible conditions, Jim continued to lose more skills. So when did the grieving process begin? I’m just not sure. Was it the day he asked me to tune his guitar? Jim was a master musician who played by ear and it always seemed magical to me how he could hear the slightest nuance when something was out of tune. Me, I can’t tune a guitar, never could, and never will be able to, and Jim should have known that. Could it have been the day I realized he could no longer read the books he loved? Maybe it was the time he couldn’t remember how to work the remote control.

I really don’t remember the day when the grieving started, and I can’t remember when it stopped. All I know is that it was always there right beside me throughout the years of dementia and loss. It didn’t even stop when he died. I know a lot of people say their grieving is done before death happens. Well, it didn’t work that way for me. Death was another loss in a series of losses. I wasn’t able to shut the grief off magically.

It’s often the little things that remind me of the great big hole Jim left behind. After I figured all the grieving was finished, and I’d put it behind me, I noticed it at odd times. There was the day I decided to donate his clothes to charity. Yeah, I know I should have done it sooner. I could have given away his clothes once I realized he wouldn’t be wearing anything other than sweatpants, T-shirts, or sweatshirts. No, I waited. I was doing pretty good until I came across his very favorite shirt. I just couldn’t part with it. Maybe some day I’ll be able to, but it felt like trying to let go of his memory and I wasn’t ready.

That’s the thing about grief. It’s personal and lives inside of us. No one can make another person let go of the grief until it is time. You won’t wake up one morning and find that the grief has just gone away. Nope. It leaves when it’s good and ready.

The thing about grief is, you learn to live with it until you can live without it. Eventually, you begin to look forward to the day, to life, and have a greater appreciation of family and friends. You have learned that time is much too precious to waste, and you refuse to let unbridled grief steal it away. The best way to honor the memory of a person you loved and lost is to live life to the fullest.

Copyright (c) July 2013 by L.S. Fisher

http://earlyonset.blogspot.com

Caregiver Emotion #6 – Defensiveness

Caregiver Emotion #6 – Defensiveness

After the Alzheimer’s diagnosis, you probably delved deep to find all the information you could to be the best caregiver possible. You searched reliable sources on the Internet, contacted the Alzheimer’s Association for educational opportunities, and attended support group to learn about first-hand experiences. After all your work and dedication to caregiving, cousin Sally breezes in for a ten minute visit and proceeds to list things that you are doing wrong and critiquing your job as a primary caregiver. Is it any wonder you become defensive?

Now, before you push Sally out the door and refuse to take any additional calls from her, pause to consider if anything she said had merit. She may not have presented her “help” in the right tone of voice or in a tactful way, but perhaps if you sift through her suggestions, you might find one useful nugget. Since you are the one with experience, and the one who knows your loved one best, you are responsible for using best practices while caring for your loved one, even if your least favorite cousin Sally suggested it.

When you are a caregiver for a person with Alzheimer’s, you learn how your loved one reacts to environmental changes. It may not take much to throw everything out of kilter. A gathering of friends and family may once have been something you looked forward to, but now you know it will only confuse the person you are caring for. Rather than just being defensive if someone criticizes your change in entertainment patterns, take a few minutes to explain that circumstances have changed. You don’t want to isolate your loved one, but it will be helpful for friends and family to visit in small groups rather than hosting big events.

One place you do need to be defensive is if anyone tries to take advantage of your loved one. During the early stages, Jim was the telemarketer’s best friend. It seemed that he always agreed to anything they suggested. It wasn’t unusual to come home after work and have Jim say. “Someone called about that thing.”

“What thing?”

“You know, that we want.”

“Who called?”

“I have no idea.”

After a few of those conversations, I installed caller ID. I often had to call to cancel TV programs, donations to various charities, tickets to events we couldn’t attend, and occasionally say no to people we knew who really should have known not to make agreements with Jim.

Primary caregivers have to be defensive when it comes to protecting the person with dementia, but not let defensiveness keep them from accepting help or valuable information. As with every aspect of caring for a person with Alzheimer’s, you need to control emotions, like defensiveness, in order to make the best caregiving decisions.

Copyright (c) July 2013 by L.S. Fisher

http://earlyonset.blogspot.com

Tommy Capps, Vietnam Veteran, American Hero

Tommy Capps, Finalist for 2013 American Hero of the Year

Independence Day is a time for Americans to take stock of their freedom and think about the human sacrifice that has given it to us. As far as unpopular wars, the Vietnam War has to be at the top of the list. We were a country divided, and the very people who risked their lives to fight for our country were not given a heroes’ welcome when they returned home.

For the first time, war was brought into American homes on the news each day. Even the blood and gore we saw on TV didn’t do justice to the reality of being in a jungle with no way to tell friend from foe.

The Wall in Washington D.C. lists the names of 58,272 people who lost their lives in Vietnam. Others came home injured in body, and countless others came home with shattered spirit. Vietnam veterans became a stereotype, and Jim would often turn a TV show off in disgust saying, “Another crazed Vietnam veteran is the killer.” Hollywood’s idea of a Vietnam veteran was of a trained killer, not a young man who was drafted into jungle warfare against an invisible enemy.

When my eighteen-year-old brother Tommy was drafted and sent to Vietnam, we were all scared for what he would be facing, but my mother was terrified. Three months after his tour of duty began, I woke up one night to hear voices and my mother crying and I knew it had to be about Tommy. I kept thinking, he can’t be dead or I would feel it. I finally realized he had been wounded and was in the states.

Recently, my sister-in-law nominated Tommy for the American Hero of the Year award. This time, the phone call was good news when my brother found out he was a finalist for Hero of the Year when he didn’t even know he had been nominated.

Tommy has shown courage his entire life. After Vietnam he returned to high school and graduated the same year I did. He was a positive influence on the high school kids and I’m sure a lot of would-be dropouts continued their education. He worked in law enforcement as a deputy, chief of police, and detective. Eventually, he worked for the state of Missouri investigating child abuse cases. He was instrumental in sending 230 child abusers and pedophiles to prison. In a five-hundred word essay, Teresa only touched on a few of the highlights. Tommy’s family and friends could tell hundreds of stories about how he’s made his corner of the world better. How he’s been the one you could count on to always do the right thing—maybe not exactly what you asked for, but what you needed.

Tommy has been my hero for years, now America has a chance to make him their hero too. Go to the website http://militaryhero.com/vote and sign up for an account. Once you’ve signed up, sign in and vote once each day between now and August 6. Tommy is already a winner in the contest as well as life.

Copyright (c) July 2013 by L.S. Fisher

http://earlyonset.blogspot.com

Cousins Reunion

Capps Cousins

My mom and dad both came from big families and I have a hundred or so cousins. Growing up, I knew my Whittle cousins quite well. We saw each other frequently at Grandma and Grandpa Whittle’s house in Stover. The ones close to my age became like additional sisters to me. I even got to know some of the younger kids who seemed like pests at the time, but I still formed that family bond with them.

I never had the same close attachment with my cousins on my dad’s side of the family. My only contact with them was during sporadic family reunions, usually at my Aunt Freida’s house. Because of the reunion location, the cousin I saw most consistently on the Capps side of the family was Karen. I was in my early teens when I met my cousins Charlie and Sharyn, but we became pen pals and they both came to my high school graduation.

Time passed and it seemed that I only saw my cousins at funerals, usually with little time to visit and become reacquainted. When Charlie died, my mom and I went to the funeral. Sharyn was heartbroken to lose her only sibling. We exchanged addresses but our written communication was limited to Christmas cards. Jim was in the nursing home in Marshall where Sharyn lived and we occasionally had lunch together. A few years ago, my Christmas card was returned, and I never received one from her with a new address.

It is easy to lose touch with people and yet with Facebook it is so easy to connect. Last winter, my cousin Karen suggested that I friend my cousin Marge. Soon, we were talking about a cousins reunion in the summer.

As the time grew closer, we firmed up a date. My brother Tommy offered to host the reunion. He asked me to get hold of my aunt and uncle that lived in Sedalia and their daughter. I told him I could do that.

“How about Sharyn?” I asked.

“Can you call her?”

“I’m sure I can track her down,” I said. “I know her married name, and I think she lives at Marshall.”

After we hung up, I placed the call to my aunt and uncle. They were excited about a reunion. Then I tried to find Sharyn on Google. I couldn’t find her, so I pulled out an area wide phone book and there she was—listed at Sweet Springs. I’d been spelling her last name wrong. Oh, well, since all I was looking for was a phone number, I called the number in the book. Busy. After several attempts, She’s probably on dial up Internet, I thought. The next day, I called and a recording said the number had been disconnected.

My phone book was several years old, so I asked a co-worker, Dawn, if she had a newer directory. She said, “I always look on People Find.”

“Oh, I couldn’t find her on Google, but I was spelling Sharyn’s name wrong.” I spelled the name and she turned to me and said, “It says she’s deceased.”

“What? No one in the family knew that. Maybe it’s not her.”

Dawn plugged the name in Google and up popped Sharyn’s obituary. She had died two years ago.

After I shared the shocking news, I realized how important this reunion was. I knew Marge had lost three brothers that I never really had a chance to know.

The day of the reunion was a beautiful sunny, warm summer day. As we sat in Tommy’s lanai, we took turns talking about what we did, our families, our passions.

“When I was growing up, I thought Dad had about fifteen brothers and sisters,” my sister Terri said. My two aunts at the reunion—Rosemary (Runt) and Freida (Dede) both laughed.

“Dad is the one that gave us the nicknames,” Rosemary said.

“I thought Robert did,” said my cousin Robin. I nodded agreement. Her mother, Shirley (Tot) had always said my dad had given them the nicknames. Aunt Shirley passed away two years ago, and I remembered her saying the same thing many times.

We heard stories of heartbreak, my brother Jimmy and my cousin Mary had both lost daughters. My cousin Karen shared the humorous story of my mom and Aunt Freida’s trip to California to visit her sister “Dude.” My aunt Freida stepped off the train to make sure they were on the correct train, and the train left with my mom, my mentally handicapped cousin Laney, my aunt’s ticket, purse, and luggage. Even without money or proof of identity, my aunt managed to get on the next train and arrived shortly after my mom and Laney. “That’s why we take her now,” Karen finished.

“Laney is my favorite cousin,” my brother Jimmy said. “She’s my biggest fan.” Laney beamed from ear-to-ear. My aunt takes her to the nursing home when Jimmy, my mom, and friends play music.

After sharing abbreviated stories of our lives, we moved to the yard for pictures and conversation. My mom, Jimmy, and Mitchell played music with others joining in to sing. Family ties brought us together, but it was the beating heart of family helped us bond.

Copyright (c) June 2013 by L.S. Fisher

Http://earlyonset.blogspot.com

Caregiver Emotion #5 Loneliness

Before I even knew Sarah Harris, her words in the national Alzheimer’s newsletter resonated with me. When she spoke at the candlelight vigil many years ago, she said, “Alzheimer’s is a lonely disease.”

Dementia disrupts personal relationships in a way that few other diseases do. As a caregiver, you will miss the give and take of your relationship with your loved one. Jim developed aphasia early on in the disease. He changed from a man who laughed and joked and shared his deepest thoughts with me to one who seldom spoke a word. He once could play any instruments with strings, but gradually he struggled to play his guitar. Jim had known the lyrics to several hundred songs, but eventually, he would only attempt a few songs and often sang only the chorus over and over. I missed meaningful communication with my husband. Our relationship gradually evolved and each transition increased the loneliness.

Another factor of loneliness is that some friends back away, especially when those friendships involve another couple. Activities are no longer the equal friendships from before and your loved one cannot participate at the same level. Other friends may simply not know what to say or how to react to odd behavior. You will learn to rely on the ones who take the changes in stride and continue to support you in your changing roles. Eating out can be a real challenge. Once, we went out to eat at a nice restaurant with our friends Rick and Robby. We all know how cold restaurants can be, and with Jim on blood thinners, he began to shiver uncontrollably. Robby went to their car and got a blanket that she wrapped around Jim. After our meal came, we discovered that the fish Jim ordered had bones in it. Noticing that it looked like Jim didn’t remember how to remove the bones, his old fishing buddy, Rick, took a steak knife and filleted the fish leaving him only the boneless portion to eat.

Spending time with trusted friends or family who make your loved one feel part of the group is a good way to combat loneliness. These special people can lend some normalcy to a world that at many times seems anything but normal.

We often socialize with friends based on an activity that we have in common. Whether you play golf, play cards, ride motorcycles, or have backyard barbecues, a loss of skill may make continuing as a couple impossible, or dangerous. Your loved one may also become uneasy in crowds or a different environment causing him distress and anxiety for you. People who are more casual acquaintances, may not realize the activity is no longer appropriate for your loved one. It may be simpler to turn down invitations, increasing the gap between you and your friends.

To keep from being left out of all the fun, you can plan a get-together with a small group where your loved one is more comfortable. Or, you may want to find someone to stay with your loved one so that you can enjoy an outing. You don’t want to isolate yourself from people who can support you and offer you companionship.

Widen your circle of friends by joining a club, volunteering, or attending charity events. Being a part of these groups will not only help you find new friends, but it can also keep you busy while making a worthwhile contribution to your community.

I found the best way to battle loneliness was to be comfortable with being alone. After the tough decision to place Jim in a nursing home, I returned to school to earn my bachelor’s degree. Working full time and studying for my classes didn’t leave much time to feel sorry for myself or to feel lonely. One of the better decisions I made was to join a local business women’s group. Our town is small, but our local is the largest Business Women of Missouri club. I’ve made friends with women throughout Missouri that I would never have known otherwise. I also joined two writers’ guilds. I gained a new group of friends where I found encouragement, support, and learned invaluable information to build on my desire to write. Whatever your interests, you can combat loneliness by taking a chance on joining with like-minded people.

Yes, Alzheimer’s is a lonely disease, but keeping active is your best defense. Don’t be afraid to leave your comfort zone, especially when you are feeling sad and alone. After all, loneliness is an emotional response to isolation, so surround yourself with friends and family who uplift you and fill your need for interaction with others through the giving and receiving of friendship.

Copyright June 2013 by L.S. Fisher

http://earlyonset.blogspot.com

Caregiver Emotion #4 – Worry

Jim used to say I was a worrywart, and I can’t deny that it was (and still is) true. At one time I remember telling him, “I have to worry, because you don’t.”

When we were first married, I worried about money because we never seemed to have too much of it. Paying bills on time and not racking up debt was important to me. I also felt a need for the safety net of putting a little aside for unexpected expenses. Although I was always conscious of our financial situation, one time I made an error in my checkbook. The bank didn’t return the check, but notified me that I needed more money in my account. We had money in another account, but I was worried because I received the notice on a weekend and the bank was closed.

It so happened that Jim was in the hospital in the stress unit and his mom and dad didn’t want me to tell him about the problem with the bank. The minute Jim saw my face, he demanded to know what was wrong. When I told him, he said, “Honey, when a problem can be solved by throwing a little money at it, it just isn’t worth worrying about.” Those were wise words, indeed.

Unfortunately, many of the worries you have as a caregiver cannot be solved with money. Being a caregiver to a person who has dementia is demanding and requires a lot of patience. You might worry that you don’t have the qualities you need to take care of your loved one. Sometimes a bigger worry is that if your loved one is being cared for by someone else, substitute caregivers may not meet all of his needs. You worry that your loved one feels abandoned or is lonely and afraid.

You can even worry about worrying! It can become an endless cycle of worry that can put gray hair on your head, or worse, bring on other health problems.

What can you do to break the cycle? I’ve found a few good diversions that help me keep worry under control. First, stay active and busy. This will give you something else to think about other than the problem that is worrying you.

Second, look for solutions. Instead of just worrying for the sake of worrying, calm down and think about ways to lessen your anxiety. I worried about Jim falling when he was in the nursing home. He was trying to get up in the mornings before the aides came to help him out of bed, and they were finding him on the floor. Jim had always been an early riser, so I suggested they wake him up about five in the morning and help him out of bed. Problem solved.

Third, share your worries with friends, family members, a support group, or a therapist. When you share your worries it accomplishes a couple of things. Talking about it can result in thinking out loud and you might be able to find a solution or at least come to grips with your emotional dilemma. Other people may suggest ideas that you never considered.

Many of the big problems in life that fill our days and nights with worry cannot be resolved, and with those problems, you will need to find methods that help you manage your worry. It may be as complex as regular visits to a therapist, or as simple as reading a good book at bedtime to take your mind off your worries so you can go to sleep. The important thing is to find what works for you.

Copyright (c) June 2013 by L. S. Fisher

Http://earlyonset.blogspot.com

Caregiver Emotion #3 – Anger

When you are a caregiver for a loved one with a serious health problem like Alzheimer’s, you might find that you need anger management classes. Of course, you are going to be so busy with day-to-day duties that you aren’t going to have time for any additional activities.

What does it take to push your buttons and make you see red? Something that normally doesn’t bother you can trigger a rise in blood pressure when you are emotionally vulnerable. It is important to learn to recognize and address the issues that cause you to react with anger, especially if it is your loved one you are angry with.

The characteristics of Alzheimer’s can grate on the caregiver’s nerves. Repetitive behavior can be distressing to the caregiver. One of the early symptoms of Alzheimer’s is loss of short term memory which causes your loved one to forget they already asked you a question and that you answered them. It will do no good to point out that you already answered and to let your irritation turn into anger. It is better to answer the question again. Be aware that although your loved one might be asking you one question, due to failing communication skills, he may actually intend to ask a different question. Be vigilant to make sure your loved one’s needs are being met. Often, you can distract or redirect your loved one.

Pacing is another repetitive behavior that can bother a caregiver. Jim used to pace through the house constantly. The bad thing was that the minute I was distracted, he would pace right out the door and down the gravel road. He would never turn around and come back, so I would have to get in the car and go after him. After about five or six trips to pick him up, I would find that I was seething. Sometimes, it helped if I just went for a walk with him. Although, he might take off again given a chance, at least the walks were a good stress reliever for me!

Another thing that can anger a caregiver is unfair criticism of how you are caring for your loved one, especially from someone who isn’t helping. You may not feel like explaining every situation, but until someone has been a primary caregiver for a person with Alzheimer’s, they can’t comprehend what it’s like to walk in your shoes.

You may be angry at the disease that is taking your loved one away. Alzheimer’s has no cure and treatment only addresses the symptoms. To help assuage my anger at the disease, I became an Alzheimer’s volunteer. The Walk to End Alzheimer’s was a way to help the Chapter provide support and services to help families coping with dementia. I became an advocate to add my voice in support of research to find a cure. By helping others, I helped myself more.

You can’t predict every situation that is going to make you angry, but you can alleviate some of the tension by taking a step back before you react. You don’t have to count to ten but take a few deep breaths and think before you do or say something you will regret.

Humor helps tremendously. If you can see the humor in the situation, it may keep you from ever being angry in the first place. As long as your anger causes no harm to your loved one, you can also see the humor in that. 

Occasional anger is a normal emotion, and as long as you control your anger and not let it control you, it should not affect your ability to be a calm, patient caregiver. Of course, regularly taking a break from caregiving helps your mood and energizes you to continue providing a loving and safe environment for your loved one.

Copyright (c) June 2013 by L.S. Fisher

http://earlyonset.blogspot.com  

Caregiver Emotion #2 – Resentment

Resentment is an emotion you may not want to admit you have. You usually try to keep it at bay and not let it define the kind of person you are. Yet, for Alzheimer’s caregivers, it is hard not to feel resentment from time-to-time.

Resentment comes in many forms. You may resent other family members if you don’t think they are pulling their weight. Or, you may resent a family member who seems to take over and not listen to your ideas or opinions. In turn, if you are not the caregiver, she may resent you for not supporting her, or second guessing her, when she is making tough decisions.

At times, you may find that you even resent your loved one for not cooperating when you are trying to help. I know that when I tried to take Jim to daycare, he would balk and refuse to go most of the time. I wanted him to go to daycare so that I could keep him at home longer rather than make the nursing home decision. He didn’t understand that—he just knew he wanted to stay at home.

Resentment can build because life just seems to be out of control. All your well-laid plans go awry, and there isn’t a darn thing you can do to make life normal again. In the case of early onset, you may have been looking forward to retirement just to see your retirement dreams vanish. Instead of travel and relaxation, you are a full-time caregiver taking on an overwhelming job.

One thing is for sure—if you are consumed with resentment, you need to find a way to overcome this self-destructive emotion before it turns into anger. Have you ever thought that when you are resentful, it is such an internal emotion that you are often the only person affected?

Okay, now that you’ve identified an emotion you want no part of, what can you do? Think about the things that make you resentful, and seek a solution for each one. If you are feeling that you are doing much more than your share, ask for help. Often family members don’t even realize that you need help. You may seem so confident and capable, that they feel inadequate to try taking your place even for a short time.

If you’re resentful of your loved one’s behavior, just remember that the disease causes the behavior and your loved one is not just being willful. I always knew that Jim’s behavior was something he couldn’t help. Don’t get me wrong, he was always stubborn, but not unreasonable. No one can overcome the effects of damaged brain cells. My mom always said, “If a person has a broken leg, no one expects them to walk on that leg.” Her point was that Alzheimer’s was much more of a physical problem than a broken leg, and no one could expect Jim to think the same with a diseased brain as he did with a healthy one.

I coped with the resentment of having no control over the progression of the disease by focusing on what I could do. I could see that Jim had all the tests to determine he did not have an irreversible condition, and that he had the best treatment options available. Then, I volunteered for the Alzheimer’s Association because it provided a positive experience for me. It helped me to know that I could help raise funds for the Alzheimer’s Association support and services to benefit other caregivers. I became an advocate so I could educate legislators on both the state and national level on the urgency of funding effective treatments for Alzheimer’s, or better yet, a cure.

Resentment may be a feeling you want to hide, but it is a normal, human emotion. Just like all negative emotions, it can damage your physical and emotional health, or you can use it to make yourself stronger. Coping with resentment, can make you more assertive, in a good way, which can help you be a better caregiver, which in turn, helps your loved one’s quality of life.

Copyright (c) May 2013

http://earlyonset.blogspot.com