Caregiver Emotion #6 – Defensiveness
After the Alzheimer’s diagnosis, you
probably delved deep to find all the information you could to be the
best caregiver possible. You searched reliable sources on the
Internet, contacted the Alzheimer’s Association for educational
opportunities, and attended support group to learn about first-hand
experiences. After all your work and dedication to caregiving, cousin
Sally breezes in for a ten minute visit and proceeds to list things
that you are doing wrong and critiquing your job as a primary
caregiver. Is it any wonder you become defensive?
Now, before you push Sally out the door
and refuse to take any additional calls from her, pause to consider
if anything she said had merit. She may not have presented her “help”
in the right tone of voice or in a tactful way, but perhaps if you
sift through her suggestions, you might find one useful nugget. Since
you are the one with experience, and the one who knows your loved one
best, you are responsible for using best practices while caring for
your loved one, even if your least favorite cousin Sally suggested
it.
When you are a caregiver for a person
with Alzheimer’s, you learn how your loved one reacts to
environmental changes. It may not take much to throw everything out
of kilter. A gathering of friends and family may once have been
something you looked forward to, but now you know it will only
confuse the person you are caring for. Rather than just being
defensive if someone criticizes your change in entertainment
patterns, take a few minutes to explain that circumstances have
changed. You don’t want to isolate your loved one, but it will be
helpful for friends and family to visit in small groups rather than
hosting big events.
One place you do need to be defensive
is if anyone tries to take advantage of your loved one. During the
early stages, Jim was the telemarketer’s best friend. It seemed
that he always agreed to anything they suggested. It wasn’t unusual
to come home after work and have Jim say. “Someone called about
that thing.”
“What thing?”
“You know, that we want.”
“Who called?”
“I have no idea.”
After a few of those conversations, I
installed caller ID. I often had to call to cancel TV programs,
donations to various charities, tickets to events we couldn’t
attend, and occasionally say no to people we knew who really should
have known not to make agreements with Jim.
Primary caregivers have to be defensive
when it comes to protecting the person with dementia, but not let
defensiveness keep them from accepting help or valuable information.
As with every aspect of caring for a person with Alzheimer’s, you
need to control emotions, like defensiveness, in order to make the
best caregiving decisions.
Copyright (c) July 2013 by L.S. Fisher
http://earlyonset.blogspot.com
2 comments:
We are almost five years into dementia and hubby still feels normal and I want him to feel that way. Usually I am the one paying for our meal, but my husband still has a debit card. He used it at a restaurant to pay for our meal last week. Once he used it for a drink while he was waiting for me to finish shopping at Sams, although he had enouch money in his wallet to pay. These are precious memories for me and I realize he is relishing his independence and I am also, realizing what is coming. Fortunately he is not that materialistic, but our friend with Alzheimer's always wants to buy something when he shops with his wife.
He probably wasn't the first person to use a card to pay for a drink at Sam's. It is good to let him take charge from time to time. One time Jim drove to Kansas City and bought a Kansas City Chief's coat with his debit card. When I asked him how much it cost, he said, "I have no idea."
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